Last night, I went to a jewelry party at a friends's house. I knew that they had built a new house a couple of years ago but, due to our crazy schedules, I never seemed to be able to make it to any of her events at home to check out the new place. So last night was my chance. There are few words I know that can accurately describe this house. Stunning, excrutiatingly beautiful....you get the idea. Every thing was in its place, the decor was something out of Better Homes and Gardens. Everything was just...perfect. Now, I do NOT begrudge her this house. Her and her husband work hard and they are wonderful people. That isn't the problem. The problem was being there made me feel so inadequate. Inadequate about my unfinished house (and the dozen or so unfinished projects in that unfinished house), my decorating choices (I really have no style to speak of), my lack of real organization where it counts. I am not sure that this would be classified as jealousy. I do not want what they have for myself. I do not think that they don't deserve it so I am not sure that this is jealousy. But it is something. I have been praying about it, trying to figure out what exactly is bugging me but, as usual, my conversations with Him are very one sided.

I know jealousy is a sin but what is this? Am I sinning by wishing I was better at the whole-house-put-together thing? By wanting to have everything "done" and pretty? I worry that my wanting this isn't so much for myself or family but for those who may come to my house. I worry about what people will think of my home so I frantically try to clean up when someone is dropping by at the last minute. I cannot stand for someone to see my house messy. Yet, somehow, it doesn't really bother me that my family lives in the messy house. Why, on earth, should it matter to me what others think if my kitchen counters are covered in mail, magazines, recipes and jars? Or that there is more dog hair on my floor than is on the dog? Do visitors even notice these "horrendous" errors in my housekeeping? Last week, we had a contractor out here to give us an estimate on doing some remodeling and all I could focus on was the cobwebs on the wall (it's an outside wall for pete's sake!) and the freshly fallen leaves covering the pool deck. I worried that he might think we are just sloppy people or something. Why does this bother me?????

I have a feeling that this is not going to be a question that gets answered any time soon. Is there anyone else out there that feels like this? Anyone who feels they are being judged all the time? Would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions....