Monday, July 2, 2012
I have had something on my mind for quite some time now. I even thought about going and talking to my pastor about it. Eighteen years ago, hubby and I got married. It was his 2nd marriage and he had his 3 kids in his custody. Being an only child, I wasn't really prepared for what I was about to get into becoming a wife and step mom (we never liked that term and the kids made me swear to never use it) to a 6 year old boy, and a 5 year old and 3 year old girls. Yes, there were problems. His ex never really took much of an interest in the kids and, when she did, it was a really bad influence. However, I adored being their mother. They were great kids and we really wanted more. My husband had a vasectomy when his youngest was born and, after we got married, he had it reversed. It was a success but I still could not conceive. We tried for 5 years and nothing. We finally sought help and agreed to try in vitro. I was implanted with 2 embryos and it was a total success. I gave birth to our son and daughter and we froze the remaining embryos. We always knew we would use them, eventually. Then, we fell into a financial nightmare that has only just lifted. We sold our house and moved to another state and began living a totally different lifestyle. When I turned 40, hubby and I felt that maybe we were done having kids. The twins were 10 and didn't need as much hands on time. When we went somewhere, we could actually have fun and didn't have to worry about strollers, diapers and nap times. We felt very good about that decision so when the storage fee for our remaining embryos came due. We decided to donate them to be used for implantation technique practices (not to be implanted into anyone.). I hadn't really felt any "urge" to get pregnant and I figured that if it hadn't happened (without medical intervention) in all the years we had been married, there was no need for birth control. Fast forward almost 3 years and I have been struggling to come to terms with what we did. It hit me all of a sudden that we essentially murdered our future children. We never asked God to guide us in that decision. We relied on our own understanding instead of His. Several months back, I got the overwhelming feeling that I would like to have more kids. I talked with hubby and while, if it happened naturally he would be fine with it, but he didn't want to go through the whole in vitro process again. I began praying that God would again bless us with more kids. Then it hit me. He HAD blessed us with a successful in vitro procedure. He HAD blessed us with 6-8 embryos that were unused and in a deep freeze. And what did we do with that last blessing? We threw it away! That realization broke my heart and continues to break it each day. Why would God give me the blessing I was asking for when I so carelessly didn't accept it before? These are feelings that NO ONE from the fertility clinic tells you about. If you are in this situation, PLEASE don't make any permanent decisions right away. Years later you may regret it. And you can't change it. No matter how hard you try. I know God forgives me for what I have done. I have fallen to my knees and repented. But just because He forgives me does not mean He will give me what I ask for. Maybe that is my punishment. I wish I could change things. I am in a different place in my walk with God than I was when I made that decision. My eyes have been opened to what God expects of me as a believer. Children are a blessing from Him that should never be turned down. The regret that I live with now is crushing me but I know that my Saviour is still holding out His hand to me, waiting to pick me up. And I will continue to praise Him even though He may never bless me with more children. He knows what I need so much better than I do.